Moments
Create Mindsets
Navigating behaviour & pressure when it matters most. The small moments — the car ride home, the thirty seconds before kick-off, the silence after a loss — are where your child's relationship with sport, and with you, is quietly built.
This is your take-home from the Moments Create Mindsets parent evening we ran at the club — every tool we practised together, in one place to revisit any time.
Why you matter
more than you think
We opened the evening with this idea: you are the most powerful — and most underused — influence on whether your child stays in sport and thrives. The research is clear, and it points to one thing: it's not how much you're involved, it's the flavour of it — choice and effort over control and outcome.
Parental support in adolescence independently predicts continued sport participation into early adulthood — and the effect is even stronger for girls.
Involvement lowers dropout a year later by strengthening how much teens value sport — the fun, the importance, the usefulness. Push too hard and the effect reverses.
Autonomy-supportive, effort-focused parenting builds self-determined motivation — the fuel for sticking with sport.
Children stay in sport when three needs are met — and you shape all three
The single most useful habit you can build: connection before correction. Almost everything in this toolkit is one way or another of protecting those three needs — and putting the relationship first, every time.
PAC & OARS —
your conversation tools
Two simple frameworks sit underneath every conversation in this toolkit. PAC is the three-step structure for any hard conversation. OARS is the four listening moves that live inside it — drawn from Motivational Interviewing.
Honour their choice, lower the threat. Ask before diving in.
"Quick check-in or quiet ride home?"Empathy first, advice second. Name it and normalise it.
"Big game today — nerves make sense."Invite their wisdom; offer choices. Keep the choice with them.
"What do you think will work for you?"Start with what or how. Invite more than a yes/no.
"What felt hardest out there today?"Spot effort, not just outcome. A strength they can own.
"You kept working after the mistake."Say it straight back as a statement — skip the "it sounds like…" and just name the feeling. Direct reflections land harder and show you really get it.
"You're gutted and want a do-over."Gather it up, then hand the next step back to them.
"So you're frustrated, but you want to keep going."PAC Builder — try it now
Pick a real situation and get a worked PAC script you can adapt
The same conversation, two ways
Tap a reply and watch the chat unfold — option 1 is the MI move, option 2 isn't
Your child comes off the pitch deflated. At each turn you get two replies: the top is Motivational-Interviewing consistent (curious, alongside); the bottom is a common "roadblock." Choose either and see how they respond — the conversation really does diverge.
Watch: the same skills, done for real
A short Motivational Interviewing demonstration — see the moves in action
You've just tried the two-paths simulator — here's the real thing. One quick heads-up: this demonstration is led by an athletic director talking with a young person, not a parent. Watch it through a parent's eyes, though, and you'll see your toolkit in motion — the open questions, the reflections that go straight to the feeling (no "it sounds like"), and the way the choice is kept with the young person rather than taken over. Picture the car ride home, and the same moves carry straight across.
Demonstration · Motivational Interviewing with a lower-risk teen. Featuring an athletic director — shared here for educational purposes; the same conversation skills apply just as well at home.
ACE —
your trackside reset
You can't parent your child's feelings until you can hold your own. ACE is a three-step reset you can run trackside, in your head, in about thirty seconds. The mindset: we don't control our feelings — we control how we show up. Especially on game week. (Acceptance & Commitment Training; Harris)
Acknowledge
Notice and name it. "There's my anxiety." Naming a feeling takes the heat out of it.
Connect
Feet on the ground, one slow breath, back to the present moment.
Engage
Re-engage with what matters — watch, clap the effort, be the calm one.
Changing your relationship
with the feeling
Here’s the shift at the heart of ACE — and of Acceptance & Commitment Training (ACT), the model it comes from. We’re not trying to delete the feeling, force calm, or think positive. Decades of research show that fighting or suppressing emotions tends to amplify them and crank up the body’s stress response. ACE does the opposite: it changes your relationship with the feeling so it loses its grip — you let it be there, unhook from it, and keep doing what matters. Russ Harris calls this “dropping anchor.”
Naming a feeling in words calms the brain’s alarm (the amygdala) and brings the thinking brain online — “name it to tame it.”
Grounding in your body and senses breaks the pull of rumination and worry, so you’re steady rather than swept away.
Doing what matters while the feeling is still present builds psychological flexibility — ACT’s core, evidence-linked mechanism.
- Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple (2nd ed.). New Harbinger. — the ACE / “dropping anchor” exercise.
- Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25.
- A-Tjak, J. G. L., et al. (2015). A meta-analysis of the efficacy of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for clinically relevant mental and physical health problems. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 84(1), 30–36.
- Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A., & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1251–1263.
- Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
The car-ride
toolkit
The ride home is the most important ten minutes of the week. What you ask — and how you respond — quietly teaches your child what you value. Two simple shifts make a big difference: ask open, curious questions, and affirm what you notice rather than judging what you saw.
Question Generator
Pick a category, hit generate — then use just one on the ride home
"I love watching you play."
Say it, and stop. No pressure, no scoreboard. (Bruce Brown & Rob Miller — research on what kids want to hear.) And avoid the relentless "Did you win?" / "How many did you score?" — it teaches that the result is what you care about most.
Affirmation vs praise — the difference that matters. Praise is a judgment you pass down (it often starts with "I"). Affirmation is something you notice in them (it starts with "You") — a strength they can own, that can't be taken away. Affirmation builds lasting confidence; praise can quietly become something they chase. (Prof. Stephen Rollnick, co-founder of Motivational Interviewing, via Sport NZ's Balance is Better.)
It works in the hard moments too. When your child says "I let the team down," an affirmation might be: "You don't like that — because you're a loyal team player." You're shining a light on the value underneath the disappointment.
The sticky
moments
Three real moments, worked through with the same tools. The golden thread is always the same: connection before correction, and keep the choice with your child.
"How do I raise it without hurting my kid's minutes?"
- Start with PAC at home. Let your child lead: "What would help — asking for feedback, trying a new role, or giving it two weeks?"
- Coach the self-advocacy. Help your teen practise a 30-second ask: "Coach, could I get one thing to work on before Saturday?"
- Use the 24-hour rule. If you do step in, wait a day, then ask for a brief private chat — never a sideline confrontation or text thread.
- Lead with their view. Ask the coach's perspective first, reflect it back, then make one concrete request.
- Coaches coach. Parents handle the climate — sleep, food, transport, empathy, affirmation.
- Kids prefer parents who emphasise effort and support over selection politics.
If there's suspected bullying, abuse or a boundary violation, skip private negotiation — use the club's formal safeguarding channel.
"How do I tell avoidance from a healthy, values-based choice?"
- "What's hard right now?" — name it.
- "What have you already tried?" — competence.
- "What would a good next two weeks look like?" — the experiment.
- Try a two-week experiment — tweak the role, volume or position; revisit together. Kids stay when sport feels fun, masterable and connected.
- Know when exit is healthy. Chronic injury risk, real exhaustion or a toxic climate are good reasons to de-load or stop.
"Let's finish the next two weeks intentionally — one tiny change to try, then we'll decide together."
"They get really down, shut me out, and ruminate for hours. How do I help without making it worse?"
- PAC-Quiet: "Quick check-in or quiet ride?"
- Two lines, then silence: "I love watching you play," + one specific affirmation. Then stop talking.
- Spiral breakers: one slow breath together; movement and fuel — a walk, a snack, a shower.
- Use OARS. Open: "What felt hardest?" Affirm the effort. Reflect the feeling.
- Shift judge → describe: "two missed touches," not "I'm useless."
- Land on one cue for the week, and a 24–48h pause on social-media game takes.
Take the stickiest self-critical word — "useless," "mistake" — and repeat it silently, faster and faster, until it loses its grip and becomes just a sound.
Through a
rough patch
A run of poor games, a form slump, being dropped, or just not enjoying it lately. These patches are normal — and they're where your child learns the most, if the environment around them stays safe. Your job isn't to fix the form. It's to be the steady, low-pressure base they can come back to.
Separate performance from person
A bad game is something they did, not who they are. Keep your warmth the same whether they played a blinder or a shocker.
Protect the relationship over results
If every interaction becomes about improvement, sport starts to cost them your approval. Sometimes talk about anything but the game.
Normalise the dip
"Every player who's ever been good has gone through patches like this." It's true, and it takes the shame out.
Shift focus to what they control
Effort, attitude, preparation, how they treat teammates — always available, even when form and selection aren't. Affirm those.
Keep them connected
Belonging carries kids through slumps. Lifts to training, time with teammates, staying part of the group.
A simple script for a rough patch
PAC, word for word if it helps
Watch for when it's more than a dip
- Dread or tears before training, not just disappointment after games
- Sleep, appetite or mood changes that spill beyond sport
- Harsh self-talk — "I'm useless," "everyone hates me"
- Pulling away from friends and teammates
The Coach
For role, minutes or development questions. Use the 24-hour rule.
GP / Counsellor
If low mood or anxiety is spilling beyond sport.
1737 (NZ)
Free call or text, any time, to talk with a trained counsellor.
The Performance Act
Tailored psychology support — performance, pressure & wellbeing.
Further watching
& reading
A short, carefully chosen selection of talks and reading from trusted voices in youth sport — to explore the ideas in this toolkit further, in your own time.
One of the world's leading sports-parenting researchers on how to support your child's journey without adding pressure — the evidence behind much of this toolkit.
Watch on YouTubeA practical framework for the five qualities parents can nurture in a young athlete — commitment, communication, concentration, control and confidence.
Watch on YouTubeA world-renowned coaching researcher on how to keep young people engaged, enjoying their sport, and playing for the long term.
Watch on YouTubeA New Zealand perspective on supporting children through the emotional ups and downs of team selection and trials — our sticky moments, on screen.
Watch on YouTubeThe short article behind our car-ride toolkit. Rollnick — co-founder of Motivational Interviewing — sets out exactly why affirmation builds lasting confidence where praise can quietly become something kids chase.
Read the articleThese resources are independent works by their respective creators and are shared here for educational purposes. They open in a new tab and are not affiliated with The Performance Act or Nomads United AFC.
Your own
reflection
The tools work best when you've turned them on yourself first. These notes stay here, on your screen — nobody else sees them.
Most parents have never actually asked. What do you think your child would say if you asked them: "How would you like my support on game day?"
When does your frustration or anxiety spike watching them play? What's your ACE — your Acknowledge, your Connect, your Engage?
Think of something you said after a recent game. Could you rewrite it as an affirmation — starting with "You…" and naming a quality?
Small enough you can't talk yourself out of it. Something you could actually do on Saturday.
Remember the whole point
Connection before correction · Affirm what you notice · Keep the choice with them · Be the calm, steady base they come back to. This week, try just one thing.